260lb Fan Can’t Believe Patriots Didn’t Hustle More In Loss To Chiefs

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Updated: September 30, 2014

NEW BEDFORD, MA – After watching his beloved Patriots lose 41-14 to the Kansas City Chiefs Monday night, lifelong New England fan Reggie Cadenbach, 33, expressed outrage over what he termed, “the complete lack of hustle from any of those lazy bastards,” according to sources close to the 260lb viewer.

Added Cadenbach: “Frankly, by the third quarter, I was exhausted from yelling so much. That just shows you how weak their effort was.”

Added Cadenbach: “Frankly, by the third quarter, I was exhausted from yelling so much. That just shows you how weak their effort was.”

 

“I can’t believe how slow we looked out there. Jamaal Charles and that other guy ran rings around our defense,” lamented Cadenbach, in between bites of his second meatball sub sandwich of the day. “And there was no pressure on Alex Smith all night. Every single Pats player should be ashamed of themselves for turning in a half-assed performance like that. I can’t tell you how many times I was screaming at the TV, ‘C’mon you slacking sons-of-bitches. Run, run, run!”

 

Cadenbach, whose LDL cholesterol count is 182 and whose most recent blood pressure measurement of 167 over 99 qualifies as stage 2 hypertension, blamed the team’s lack of hustle on poor conditioning.

 

“It’s obvious Belichick isn’t working the Pats hard enough in practice,” Cadenbach gasped while trudging to the kitchen for a third beer. “You could see by the fourth quarter, our line was really worn down. That’s what happens when you don’t focus enough on training and stamina.”

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